Every time I think about HOMAGE, I end up buying something. And when I realize that I already own dozens of their shirts and a small hedge fund worth of hoodies, I start justifying my binge-buying in the name of gifts for friends and family. Who knew that generosity could be so selfish? So now, every family member has their own HOMAGE shirt, even though grandma doesn’t know what BOOMSHAKALA means and my nephew in Kentucky is likely to be bullied when he wears his Buckeye apparel to daycare. Own it, Owen. Your reward is in heaven, where the Scarlet and Grey never lose their Heisman-candidate quarterbacks and band directors spend eternity coordinating musicians into walking dinosaurs.
For those of you who live under rocks or near mountains (not in Ohio), here’s a prime example of an HOMAGE shopping scenario.
Me to myself: “Oh, I’m in the Short North. I should just stop in and see if anything is on sale.”
(as I enter the store)
HOMAGE employee: “Hey, do you want a Coca Cola?”, handing an ice-cold glass bottle to me. (it’s free, too) The employee has his hat on backwards, biceps fitting perfectly around those form-fitting tee’s in a way that bulky men like me dream of. The girl next to him is folding hoodies… but she’s wearing a 3/4′ sleeved baseball tee. My heart drops… I bet she likes sports. Do you think she’s seen the Sandlot? If only I had a good pickup line. Never mind that, I see koozies.
I continue to roam through the store acting like I haven’t seen all of the shirts online in one of my recent binge-purchases that came after a 30% off email. I wipe the drool off of the corner of my mouth and pick up the newest Ohio State tee, swiping my credit card before I have time to think twice.
As I walk out the door, guilt creeps in: I realize I haven’t bought my significant other flowers in months and I have thousands of dollars in college debt. I pay an absurd amount every month for rent, too. Oh, wait, there is a free sticker AND a pack of BATMAN cards at the bottom of the bag. There he is. The Penguin! I loved him. Never mind, this was a great call.
Regret creeps back into my mind… I totally should have played NBA JAM before I left.
written 9/3/2014 for Columbus Yelp.